Who am I and what makes me a Goddess?

Featured

They call me Bulletess and I will explain in a later blog, how I got my name. I am a 56 year old woman. I am a mother. I am a wife. I am a leather artisan. I am a motorcyclist. I live in the desert. I have emerged from deep darkness and learned to stay in the light.

I have so much to say, about so many things. Get ready for my stories and thoughts, unpretentious and honest … and thank you, for tagging along!

What is a Goddess?

A woman who is in the process of learning to know, accept and love herself on all levels.

Mind, Body and Spirit.

A woman who, because she focuses on personal growth and self-awareness,

experiences a life, increasingly filled with

Peace, Love, Joy, Passion and Fun.

 A woman who understands that she has unlimited capacity to make her life anything she wants.

A woman who is inspired to give to those around her because of her sense of gratitude and abundance. 

~ Author unknown ~

 

I Needed A Break

Lately, social media has been stressing me out and I took the liberty to take a mental health break. I really miss the days when social media was a tool to connect and stay in touch with people. When people shared what they’ve eaten, who they hung out with, what they were doing, when people shared their original thought, and not just stupid memes and political bullshit. For me, social media is definitely not the place to do that, because most people are not willing to entertain a civil discussion about a certain topic, most people just want to be right.

Social media has always been very important to me and it still is, because it is that one place where i feel that some of my friends and followers are honestly interested in my life. See, I worked very hard to get where I am and as I mentioned before, I am in a very good place. When you have a life that is good for you, when you’ve accomplished a few things that you are very proud of, you would like to share that with the people you love. Unfortunately, I don’t have that. It seems that when I left my home country, slowly but surely, my family back home lost interest in me and my own little family. Social media became my saving grace when it was still in it’s infancy. In the late 90’s I discovered chat rooms and when Mike was deployed with the military months at a time and I felt alone and lonely that’s where I found “my people”. It was different than today. We had a true connection. I met some of my friends in person and each time it was great. Today I am still in touch with a handful of them and consider them true friends.

When I look at social media now, Instagram in particular, I don’t like what I see. It’s all about numbers, followers and likes. I am so sick and tired of those stupid bots that will follow and then unfollow you just for numbers sake. I also don’t do that silly follow for follow thing on Instagram anyway. Looking at my social media, I am actually quite proud of having established interaction with the people I connected with. To me it isn’t about numbers, it will always be about connecting with fellow humans.

Then there are the ones who copy everything you do and say and I usually don’t let that get to me, but last week, shit kinda hit the fan. As every year, I have a hard time dealing with the extreme heat here in the Sonoran desert, it seems to get harder each year, which makes me not too happy. I think that might have also contributed to me getting angry and irritated over a few things on social media … I know, it’s stupid, but I did it anyway … trying to deal with my frustration didn’t help when I had to take care of two sick dogs, and on top of that I got extremely mixed messages from my mother, which is a perfectly normal thing, but it kinda pushed me over the edge.  The result of this, for the first time in at least 30 years, I had a full blown panic attack. The whole shebang, racing heart, shortness of breath, near fainting, terrified I would die. I used to get them quite often when I was young so I knew that’s all it was, but that didn’t make it less scary. I took magnesium and hawthorn extract to calm my racing heart and Kava tea to calm me down. It took a few hours, but eventually it helped.

I was so mad at myself that I let things and people get under my skin to such an extend and decided to take a break from everything to re-center and focus on the truly important people and things in my life, which I am still in the process of doing.

This week, I am taking time off. I will spend more time away from social media, I will not think about our small leather crafting business, I will spend my time thinking, feeling, writing, I will spend more time in nature and since I am not made for this heat, I might have to drive up to Mount Lemmon a few times this week.

 

23471915_1656974874342194_800200405347126202_n

“Windy Point”, on the way up to Summerhaven. Can’t wait to get there!

 

LOOK DEEP INTO NATURE

AND THEN

YOU WILL UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING BETTER

~Albert Einstein~

Healing Through Motorcycling

Today, I will literally talk to you. This is my first attempt on Vlogging, totally unscripted and also the wrong picture format. Next time, it’ll be better … I promise!

Watch it till the end, hear my secret and please comment, like, and follow.

Until a woman can receive herself,

she will unconsciously force others to reject her,

despite the fact that her most conscious desire

is to be loved

~Marion Woodman~

Happy Birthday in Heaven

I really didn’t know how and when to start writing and posting my new blog, since it will be “all about me”, my journey and my random thoughts. This will be my journal that I am going to share with all of you. Don’t expect Pulitzer Price worthy writing, everything will come straight from my heart and there might be some cussing and cursing too.

I want you to get to know me and since my dad laid the foundation of who I am, to start here seems very appropriate.

Today would have been my father’s 90th birthday. He always wanted to live to be 100, but only made it to 82. I was fortunate to have been in Germany, my country of origin, when my dad died. I was there to comfort him, when no one else did, to talk to the doctors, when no one else knew how to, and to take care of his funeral arrangements together with my brother. Little did I know that would also be the last thing my brother and I were doing together.

The death of my father came sudden and somewhat unexpected. I knew that he despised to be old. He himself told me so. Something, I will never forget, he stood there, in front of me with a very sad face and said, ”being old really sucks and I hate it!” A couple of days later, he left this earth.

It seemed like he had waited for me to be there, he held on for me, for which I will be forever grateful. He has always been my hero, my teacher, my confidant and my friend. He was the only one who really saw me and understood my struggles in life.

I feel so blessed that before he left, I got to tell him everything that I always wanted him to know. For many years, I wanted to write him a letter, but it just didn’t seem right. When we talked on the phone that time was taken up by him telling me very funny and most inappropriate jokes, I inherited his very dark sense of humor and he knew I would get it.

Then in January of 2010 I boarded a plane to Germany, not knowing that I would return a changed woman, a child who lost her father.

It took me years to get over the loss of the most important person in my life, I started drinking a lot, eating badly, and developed the worst depression I’ve ever went through, but I made it through this dark valley and emerged a stronger me.

What really kept me going and helped me through this time was the knowing that the last interaction I had with my dad was him sitting in his chair, me hugging him from behind, kissing him on his head and telling him that he did everything right that he was the perfect father to me, and that I loved him.

To know that those were the last words I told him is of great comfort and a true blessing!

Happy Birthday in Heaven Papa!!!

Papa

Why I feel the need to blog

I was just asked, why I need a blog on top of all my other social media.

Well, my social media is about our motorcycles, about my husband Mike’s and my travels, and our business making leather goods. there isn’t really anything just about me and how I arrived where I am in my life. I am also not sure, if Facebook or Instagram is the right platform for original thought, honesty and authenticity.

I am in a very good place. As a matter of fact, I’ve never felt better. It was quite the process to arrive at that place of accepting and loving myself, treating myself well, and realizing that life will be exactly what we make it to be. I learned how to turn off all that outside noise and really hear and listen to my own voice, telling me my own truth.

I used to journal and all of it landed in a drawer. It has always been quite therapeutic to jot down my thoughts and stories and I no longer want them stowed away somewhere. If they can inspire, help, or provoke some thought, even just for one person that’s good enough!

So there you have it that’s why I created this blog.

33234782_10215622385223518_4500182512735092736_n

This photo was taken while we were riding in the Gila Box Wilderness, near Safford, AZ. One way how I can hear my own voice loud and clear, riding in remote places, removed from all the chaos that comes with our daily life.