I really didn’t know how and when to start writing and posting my new blog, since it will be “all about me”, my journey and my random thoughts. This will be my journal that I am going to share with all of you. Don’t expect Pulitzer Price worthy writing, everything will come straight from my heart and there might be some cussing and cursing too.
I want you to get to know me and since my dad laid the foundation of who I am, to start here seems very appropriate.
Today would have been my father’s 90th birthday. He always wanted to live to be 100, but only made it to 82. I was fortunate to have been in Germany, my country of origin, when my dad died. I was there to comfort him, when no one else did, to talk to the doctors, when no one else knew how to, and to take care of his funeral arrangements together with my brother. Little did I know that would also be the last thing my brother and I were doing together.
The death of my father came sudden and somewhat unexpected. I knew that he despised to be old. He himself told me so. Something, I will never forget, he stood there, in front of me with a very sad face and said, ”being old really sucks and I hate it!” A couple of days later, he left this earth.
It seemed like he had waited for me to be there, he held on for me, for which I will be forever grateful. He has always been my hero, my teacher, my confidant and my friend. He was the only one who really saw me and understood my struggles in life.
I feel so blessed that before he left, I got to tell him everything that I always wanted him to know. For many years, I wanted to write him a letter, but it just didn’t seem right. When we talked on the phone that time was taken up by him telling me very funny and most inappropriate jokes, I inherited his very dark sense of humor and he knew I would get it.
Then in January of 2010 I boarded a plane to Germany, not knowing that I would return a changed woman, a child who lost her father.
It took me years to get over the loss of the most important person in my life, I started drinking a lot, eating badly, and developed the worst depression I’ve ever went through, but I made it through this dark valley and emerged a stronger me.
What really kept me going and helped me through this time was the knowing that the last interaction I had with my dad was him sitting in his chair, me hugging him from behind, kissing him on his head and telling him that he did everything right that he was the perfect father to me, and that I loved him.
To know that those were the last words I told him is of great comfort and a true blessing!
Happy Birthday in Heaven Papa!!!